Thanks again for the brave sharing, and we wish you courage. W, understand what qualifies as sexual abuse, counsellor or psychotherapist with expertise around sexual abuse. But maybe I'm lucky that I don't remember. I didn’t tell any adults about anything that happened because: I was embarrassed (I’ve never been good at talking about sex with my parents), I kind of felt like I had consented (even though I didn’t know what consent was) and I had already got in trouble for coming across some nsfw stuff on the internet accidentally so I thought I would be told off. We would actually recommend some sessions with a therapist or counsellor trained in abuse counselling. Is there a counselling service at your school, is there someone you can talk to? In my family, and I have always felt fortunate for my upbringing, we do NOT talk about sex, I don’t know if my catholic upbringing has anything to do with that. Not harm them. I’m scared i will lose myself – won’t be able to or want to function. I didn’t and went back to my room to practice what I saw. We can’t know for sure any more than you, many of never know exactly what happened, and never will unless there is a time machine created one day. I don’t know if I’m being a drama queen or not. hello, i’m here to tell you that i remember nothing about childhood however when i was 15 years old i faced sexual harassment when i was asleep from 2 of my cousins ,at that moment i couldn’t react ,i did nothing but i can remember their hands touching me and hearing their voices .. also i remember from childhood one of my uncles who used to love me so much ,he used to bought me everything i like and he lived with us for a period of time (he used drugs) however my parents were not aware of that and they didn’t realise that this might harm us as girls (we are 4 girls in the family) .i have scars on the face but i don’t know till now they are caused by what.. after what happened to me by my cousins i tried so hard to forget about that and i used to talk to them as they did nothing to me (i don’t know why) . There were his little brothers and mine in the house and he sent them to play. On the contrary I had a ‘positive flashback’, which sounds odd and hard to explain, but it was just a sense of happiness which came flooding back from my childhood. She never bought medicine or got me real help. Just being around my mother makes me panic. I believe my grandparents (yes both of them), along with my cousin who was around the same age as me, sexually abused me as a child. A good therapist can help you work through it, and you might find over time memories arise and you get more clarity. Eventually one of these men demanded I send a recorded video or have a live video “session” with him. I think I was sexually abused as a young child. but especially sexually. It was just us two which was unusual because we normally weren’t that close as he was three years older and my sisters best friend. And your brain has obviously registered it as a big trauma.The positive part about this experience, as far as healing goes, is that your parent believed you and defended you. What you have to focus on is getting help for symptoms, over obsessing on what did/didn’t happen, much as the brain wants to obsess. It’s not ‘bad’ to not want everyone to know your experience. (I’m not from Uk.) He did everything in his power to show me his love but I would always push him away, I felt like i did not deserve for someone to love me because I couldn’t perform sexually or emotionally. Anyway, long story short, I’m at the other end of a huge recovery process. I feel what happened to me, even if I cannot give clear details — even if I do not have a name to offer up to legitimize my abuse. wedgies. Thank you, this article helped a lot. By the way, it’s normal to think about killing people who abused you in any way, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Even when I began menstruating and tried to talk to my mother about it, she didn’t believe me, wouldn’t discuss it, and I just had to learn to use what we had for supplies on my own. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. We would suggest you seek the help of a therapist you feel comfortable around and who listens to you, as it sounds a very overwhelming experience that would be hard for anyone to navigate alone. Try to take life one day at a time and try to notice what things are also going right with each day that comes, no matter how small those things are. Jess, this is more common than you think. Is there a trusted adult you can talk to about your anxiety or a counsellor at school? It’s a lot to deal with alone, so we do hope you seek someone to support you!If you really have no money and nobody to turn to do a google to see if there are any charities in your country helping women who experienced abuse. A counsellor with experience helping clients with trauma and abuse is a godsend. Some people are just naturally asexual, or demisexual, or develop attraction for others far later in life. It’s nothing to do with being ‘strong’. But to let you know that it sounds like he was manipulating and intimidating you, knowing you were a nervous young girl and choosing to push all your buttons and overstep healthy boundaries. Although I have a very perverted mind I can never imagine myself having sex with anyone, I make up fictional characters that I picture in my place. One thing i will say is that you block memories like that out of your head due to the emotional pain it caused not the physical.i was lucky i was never raped, i thank god for this even though ive lost all faith in religion after my abuse. After that about a year later a church bus driver tried to stick his hand up my skirt as i walked by the church pews. Which could also account for all the guilt you have around sex and porn. I got into porn at around age 14 and I remember the first two times I masterbated and orgasmed, this intense feeling of “Ive felt this before” washed over me. It really does help. Although victims are never to blame, some situations are associated with a higher likelihood of abuse, including: 1. You are only 17, and it’s important to listen to your feelings on this front It’s your body, and there is no rule or timeline to anything, beyond what feels right for you. They could actually see me, but it felt exciting and dirty. These sorts of situations can leave us struggling against hidden shame and confusion, and they are hard to figure out alone. Thank you for replying, but I know what I have to do to protect my families name. Do you have a budget to hire a counsellor? most of them were physically abusive and obsessed with my mother. The floor? Abuse causes long term issues with trust and self identity, and it’s important to work to heal it. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has quite a lot of experience with these things (he is a therapist and has encountered many people, both professionally and personally, who have experienced abuse as a child). I never told my last therapist who said I was probably exaggerating most things and that i needed more EMDR sessions than were normal, and she also wanted to send child protective services to my home because we live in an old house and deal with mice. But it makes sense for them cuz it happened a couple of times. I do have very poor memory in general especially my childhood and have self harmed aged 15(ish) for about a year after my auntie died. I always assumed it was natural for a child to forget, but I’ve come to realize my own memory is way too fragmented. 0 comment. And you need support to work through your emotions first, so you feel grounded and able to handle the outcome of talking to family, particularly if when you start to explore this it opens up a ‘Pandora’s box’, as in many other memories and feelings you didn’t know were there. Sexual encounters I can have lustful thoughts but after finishing I have a sense of being ashamed with what I did. The next thing is the same thing you’ll hear us emphasising in the other comments. Religious upbringings and the repression and negative beliefs around bodies/sex can alone cause issues, as can these sorts of childhood experiences. I can’t go to a psychologist because my mother won’t take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I don’t trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school. We can’t say what happened to you re sexual abuse. Toxic Friends - Who They Are and What to Do Next, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm, https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/therapist-costs-makes-you-money.htm, https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-mother-wound-under-mothered.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm, https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/, https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/the-scope-of-child-sexual-abuse-definition-and-fact-sheet, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. 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