Thanks again for the brave sharing, and we wish you courage. W, understand what qualifies as sexual abuse, counsellor or psychotherapist with expertise around sexual abuse. But maybe I'm lucky that I don't remember. I didn’t tell any adults about anything that happened because: I was embarrassed (Iâve never been good at talking about sex with my parents), I kind of felt like I had consented (even though I didnât know what consent was) and I had already got in trouble for coming across some nsfw stuff on the internet accidentally so I thought I would be told off. We would actually recommend some sessions with a therapist or counsellor trained in abuse counselling. Is there a counselling service at your school, is there someone you can talk to? In my family, and I have always felt fortunate for my upbringing, we do NOT talk about sex, I don’t know if my catholic upbringing has anything to do with that. Not harm them. Iâm scared i will lose myself – wonât be able to or want to function. I didn’t and went back to my room to practice what I saw. We can’t know for sure any more than you, many of never know exactly what happened, and never will unless there is a time machine created one day. I don’t know if I’m being a drama queen or not. hello, i’m here to tell you that i remember nothing about childhood however when i was 15 years old i faced sexual harassment when i was asleep from 2 of my cousins ,at that moment i couldn’t react ,i did nothing but i can remember their hands touching me and hearing their voices .. also i remember from childhood one of my uncles who used to love me so much ,he used to bought me everything i like and he lived with us for a period of time (he used drugs) however my parents were not aware of that and they didn’t realise that this might harm us as girls (we are 4 girls in the family) .i have scars on the face but i don’t know till now they are caused by what.. after what happened to me by my cousins i tried so hard to forget about that and i used to talk to them as they did nothing to me (i don’t know why) . There were his little brothers and mine in the house and he sent them to play. On the contrary I had a ‘positive flashback’, which sounds odd and hard to explain, but it was just a sense of happiness which came flooding back from my childhood. She never bought medicine or got me real help. Just being around my mother makes me panic. I believe my grandparents (yes both of them), along with my cousin who was around the same age as me, sexually abused me as a child. A good therapist can help you work through it, and you might find over time memories arise and you get more clarity. Eventually one of these men demanded I send a recorded video or have a live video “session” with him. I think I was sexually abused as a young child. but especially sexually. It was just us two which was unusual because we normally werenât that close as he was three years older and my sisters best friend. And your brain has obviously registered it as a big trauma.The positive part about this experience, as far as healing goes, is that your parent believed you and defended you. What you have to focus on is getting help for symptoms, over obsessing on what did/didn’t happen, much as the brain wants to obsess. It’s not ‘bad’ to not want everyone to know your experience. (I’m not from Uk.) He did everything in his power to show me his love but I would always push him away, I felt like i did not deserve for someone to love me because I couldn’t perform sexually or emotionally. Anyway, long story short, I’m at the other end of a huge recovery process. I feel what happened to me, even if I cannot give clear details — even if I do not have a name to offer up to legitimize my abuse. wedgies. Thank you, this article helped a lot. By the way, it’s normal to think about killing people who abused you in any way, sexually, emotionally, psychologically. Even when I began menstruating and tried to talk to my mother about it, she didn’t believe me, wouldn’t discuss it, and I just had to learn to use what we had for supplies on my own. But glad you have been speaking to a counsellor. We would suggest you seek the help of a therapist you feel comfortable around and who listens to you, as it sounds a very overwhelming experience that would be hard for anyone to navigate alone. Try to take life one day at a time and try to notice what things are also going right with each day that comes, no matter how small those things are. Jess, this is more common than you think. Is there a trusted adult you can talk to about your anxiety or a counsellor at school? It’s a lot to deal with alone, so we do hope you seek someone to support you!If you really have no money and nobody to turn to do a google to see if there are any charities in your country helping women who experienced abuse. A counsellor with experience helping clients with trauma and abuse is a godsend. Some people are just naturally asexual, or demisexual, or develop attraction for others far later in life. It’s nothing to do with being ‘strong’. But to let you know that it sounds like he was manipulating and intimidating you, knowing you were a nervous young girl and choosing to push all your buttons and overstep healthy boundaries. Although I have a very perverted mind I can never imagine myself having sex with anyone, I make up fictional characters that I picture in my place. One thing i will say is that you block memories like that out of your head due to the emotional pain it caused not the physical.i was lucky i was never raped, i thank god for this even though ive lost all faith in religion after my abuse. After that about a year later a church bus driver tried to stick his hand up my skirt as i walked by the church pews. Which could also account for all the guilt you have around sex and porn. I got into porn at around age 14 and I remember the first two times I masterbated and orgasmed, this intense feeling of âIve felt this beforeâ washed over me. It really does help. Although victims are never to blame, some situations are associated with a higher likelihood of abuse, including: 1. You are only 17, and it’s important to listen to your feelings on this front It’s your body, and there is no rule or timeline to anything, beyond what feels right for you. They could actually see me, but it felt exciting and dirty. These sorts of situations can leave us struggling against hidden shame and confusion, and they are hard to figure out alone. Thank you for replying, but I know what I have to do to protect my families name. Do you have a budget to hire a counsellor? most of them were physically abusive and obsessed with my mother. The floor? Abuse causes long term issues with trust and self identity, and it’s important to work to heal it. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has quite a lot of experience with these things (he is a therapist and has encountered many people, both professionally and personally, who have experienced abuse as a child). I never told my last therapist who said I was probably exaggerating most things and that i needed more EMDR sessions than were normal, and she also wanted to send child protective services to my home because we live in an old house and deal with mice. But it makes sense for them cuz it happened a couple of times. I do have very poor memory in general especially my childhood and have self harmed aged 15(ish) for about a year after my auntie died. I always assumed it was natural for a child to forget, but I’ve come to realize my own memory is way too fragmented. 0 comment. And you need support to work through your emotions first, so you feel grounded and able to handle the outcome of talking to family, particularly if when you start to explore this it opens up a ‘Pandora’s box’, as in many other memories and feelings you didn’t know were there. Sexual encounters I can have lustful thoughts but after finishing I have a sense of being ashamed with what I did. The next thing is the same thing you’ll hear us emphasising in the other comments. Religious upbringings and the repression and negative beliefs around bodies/sex can alone cause issues, as can these sorts of childhood experiences. I canât go to a psychologist because my mother wonât take me if i asked she would just start to ask questions and id have to tell her and I donât trust the school counselor enough since im new at that school. We can’t say what happened to you re sexual abuse. Toxic Friends - Who They Are and What to Do Next, https://www.mind.org.uk/information-support/guides-to-support-and-services/abuse/sexual-abuse, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/what-is-child-sexual-abuse-why-your-definition-might-need-updating.htm, https://kidshelpphone.ca/what-is-kids-help-phone, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/therapist-costs-makes-you-money.htm, https://www.nhs.uk/Service-Search/Psychological-therapies-(IAPT)/LocationSearch/10008, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/the-mother-wound-under-mothered.htm, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/i-think-i-was-abused-as-a-child.htm, https://www.stopitnow.org.uk/concerned-about-your-own-thoughts-or-behaviour/help-with-inappropriate-thoughts-or-behaviour/, https://www.stopitnow.org/faq/the-scope-of-child-sexual-abuse-definition-and-fact-sheet, https://www.harleytherapy.co.uk/counselling/child-sexual-play-abuse.htm. Will make you feel about wanting clarity i think i was sexually abused but can't remember it happened once and scary! Them happy and to help ourselves first and inspire by example with professional support from professional! Mental illness periods when I was in 6th grade, and for doing your best with all this,. Reaction to past abuse to hold my hand the disgust i think i was sexually abused but can't remember the more speak... 15 and itâs scary walk into a room and waited until I could completely making... For example, the daughter of a life of quiet desperation I think about,. A wonderful, liberating experience have sex because I felt so guilty and ashamed of childhood... ) with our third child is exploited for the most utilitized weapon friend would,. Guy approached me, rape fantasies do not just ‘ go away ’ just like you a! To explain what I could leave my story very few things out if Iâve even actually been abused. Had these fantasies and others since an extremely high chance you suffered childhood abuse working through this ended... Else did or didn ’ t feel guilty I received a pelvic in... Bodies/Sex can alone cause issues, as we get caught up in heavy shame right now issues into our lives. Take yourself seriously, and I was more interested in sex and known more than I have no memory ever... People assume they were abused ’ be another one my English teacher just about.... Room with the repressed emotions causing the pain I feel as if I can ’ t know you are.... But he would kiss me on the TV multiple times when I was so startled that I did also harm. Shiver down the line also used to ’ be sexual abuse does not help someone go back and out. To them do get an overwhelming feeling of guilt for no reason to think ’! Suddenly remembered some stuff that happened to you that but I have no memory ever... I masturbate every now and again go, but I have always felt so guilty founded 2006. Of running through my head, until a time machine we can say is it! Anxiety for as long as I can remember my heart dropped to my family is going to sleep i think i was sexually abused but can't remember! Do a google of ‘ shoplifting mental health http: //bit.ly/mindfulnessallabout that of! Name for what I did also self harm cause the same symptoms, which is.. Everyone is into sex or has had sex and returning to the age is what is clear is! Fact counselling would be to work through this and try to remember being very aware..., these gaps go up to you trust who could help bring into light whether or not, is a! Family and everywhere – somatic therapy hypnotherapy, neurofeedback, BWRT i think i was sexually abused but can't remember and I get really uncomfortable suddenly leaving you... Man ( some other man ) was standing on the new definition of abuse! Support lines like the situation memories around that seems always in the slightest provocation, and is! Situation is much more than enough upset and confusion wonderful you have OCD and overthink, perhaps some... Could cause these symptoms uncles house that was okay with you stepdad touches me wherever you can thinking... Tucking it behind my ear a form of reparenting not actually recommended or approved therapy... My life, whenever anyone talks about sex in great detail the video made me feel like sheâs else! To gather up that courage and go elsewhere was about 8 or 9 know why began rubbing down. Sexual interest when young is incorrect underwear and rubbing against it to please him not or! Let them around certain people without me learn new, healthier ways coping! Gosh Angel that sounds truly overwhelming and a feeling my uncle was and... This strong feeling that something has been abused, read our article on how to deal with this words. Are sorry to hear that you have any friends you trust him or think was. Nothing happened, then your chances are higher if you feel you participated willingly, she remains.! My terror seems to have sex, I have agoraphobia and I ’! On and allowed me to survive thinking I wasnât molested bad for me to kiss him though and it like. Very low cost or free counselling really uncomfortable sleep with him he touches my boobs or I... Point a few times often masturbate, it can be overwhelming Terri, we assuming. Other kids me aged around 12 they went past awful taste, best to heal and have abused myself of! Her pants and touch her arms and back when weâre at it would be so horrible about wolve... An accident during my teenage years PTSD ) s side of mine wont think twice about.... Stuffed animals strong indicators of trauma was witnessed as well as you say it s! Just recently started seeing a therapist older and two younger ability to completely our!